18 months

Since I got sober I:

Got a divorce

Transitioned my two beautiful little girls into a new family structure

Got a job

Got laid off

Got that job back

Moved to a tiny apartment with nothing

Relied on family and friends to turn nothing into something

Slept on a couch/bed/air mattress in someone else’s home during 2 weeks of homelessness

Felt amazing love from amazing friends

Grown in my relationship with my best friend

Found two more besties whom I love and adore

Moved into an amazing new place

Bought real adult furniture that I love

Decorated just the way I like it

Attended a billion AA meetings

Cried at a lot of AA meetings

Cried a lot on my couch

Laughed so hard I cried A LOT

Made very bad choices with men

Learned to love being single

Went on a lot of mediocre dates

Survived difficult trips to visit family without drinking

Borrowed more money from family than I care to think about

Thanked God for amazing family who will do that for me

Hosted a stellar baby shower with the help of a friend

Hosted many informal gatherings on my awesome couch with people I love

Baked cupcakes and cookies

Sang karaoke

Smiled

Hugged

Loved

 

more self-encouragement

I pride myself on being me. I am a beautful, intelligent woman who has my shit TOGETHER despite being dealt some hardships. I saw my way through them with my head held high and I am a stronger person for it.

I am feeling discouraged today after several rough mornings in getting ready to go and out of the house. However, I know what I need to do to fix it. A few simple alterations to the night time routine – go to bed a little earlier with as much prep as possible first. Get up a lot earlier even though it is painful to drag myself out of bed. I can do that. That is easy, and things will flow more smoothly because of it.

I am in GOOD SHAPE. I can’t allow wallowing in the problem to keep me from seeing how good I am at living in the solution.

the power of positive thinking

Some thoughts:

I am extremely intelligent, accomplished and successful.

I am smart with money and financially stable.

I am an excellent mother with healthy, happy, bright daughters.

My past does not define me. I have made mistakes but I have learned from them and can stop repeating them.

I am an alcoholic in recovery, but I am more than my disease. I have to work to stay well but my life does not need to be ruled by how I must define myself.

more runnning

Only pulled off a mile today. I feel yucky. I ate too many jelly beans. There is no food in this house. The end.

No flock of seagulls references here.

So I ran. 2.5 miles. And I feel pretty badass.

Also hungry.

Changes

This whole blog, my whole offline journal, has been focused on relationships, on men, on what I think is missing. And today I find myself in absolute mourning over the dissolution of my marriage.

I think I’m ready to actually work on myself.

I opened the Bible randomly to a passage on the unconditional love of God. I needed a higher power to get sober. I need Him now.

So I made some art to remind me... I just have to open my heart.

Not quite epic, but…

Going to start running. I have 4 days each week where I can carve out time to run without worrying about childcare. I’m doing it. The end.

But not the end, as I also made a brightly colored daily to do list to keep inspired and upbeat. Not at all hip or cool, but it helps. I am going to find my groove, I’m going to get a handle on this new life.

what’s next?

I broke up with the adorable boyfriend. I felt like I was suffocating and he had REALLY bad taste in music. And couldn’t pay his utility bills for fuck’s sake. I mean COME ON. WE ARE GROWNUPS OVER HERE.

And now I need to get a handle on myself. I’m in a slump. I can’t even post daily because I am in a motherfucking SLUMP.

I need to do something epic. Something life changing. I don’t know what.

and I’m panicking again.

I switched from my regular phone contract to a prepaid phone. Which sucks. My messages aren’t sending and I’m grumpy and I’ve nearly made about a billion impulse purchases in a desperate attempt to make myself feel better about this disaster. My life revolves around my phone. That might sound silly but it does. I spend my day talking and texting with people in recovery (and my cute boyfriend). I don’t have a home phone, I just have my cell phone, and being cut off from that makes me feel vulnerable, alone and afraid.

Overdependance on technology? Maybe.

In any case, the best thing I can do right now is not panic. The best thing I can do is go to the AT&T store tomorrow and get them to help me make it right. I will get there are early as I can and I will NOT panic until then. I can last 24 hours without a phone.

Such such SUCH a 1st world problem.

inventory

Something feels not quite right about the new boyfriend. I need to inventory the situation. I was going to do it here, but I think I’ll reserve it for a more private setting.

I wish I were craftier and more creative. I CAN cook. I’m going to cook something spectacular this weekend. I’ll post pictures. I think it will help me feel less useless.

I KNOW I’m not useless… I just need a project.