what’s next?

I broke up with the adorable boyfriend. I felt like I was suffocating and he had REALLY bad taste in music. And couldn’t pay his utility bills for fuck’s sake. I mean COME ON. WE ARE GROWNUPS OVER HERE.

And now I need to get a handle on myself. I’m in a slump. I can’t even post daily because I am in a motherfucking SLUMP.

I need to do something epic. Something life changing. I don’t know what.

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and I’m panicking again.

I switched from my regular phone contract to a prepaid phone. Which sucks. My messages aren’t sending and I’m grumpy and I’ve nearly made about a billion impulse purchases in a desperate attempt to make myself feel better about this disaster. My life revolves around my phone. That might sound silly but it does. I spend my day talking and texting with people in recovery (and my cute boyfriend). I don’t have a home phone, I just have my cell phone, and being cut off from that makes me feel vulnerable, alone and afraid.

Overdependance on technology? Maybe.

In any case, the best thing I can do right now is not panic. The best thing I can do is go to the AT&T store tomorrow and get them to help me make it right. I will get there are early as I can and I will NOT panic until then. I can last 24 hours without a phone.

Such such SUCH a 1st world problem.

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Something feels not quite right about the new boyfriend. I need to inventory the situation. I was going to do it here, but I think I’ll reserve it for a more private setting.

I wish I were craftier and more creative. I CAN cook. I’m going to cook something spectacular this weekend. I’ll post pictures. I think it will help me feel less useless.

I KNOW I’m not useless… I just need a project.

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waiting for chaos…

Things are good. Really good. The sponsor breakup went smoothly, no bridges burned. I am excited about my new sponsor who is such a happy, positive woman, so excited about sobriety. I find her 12th step work admirable and I look forward to working with her and learning from her. This is a new chapter in my sobriety, and I’m looking forward to it.

My boyfriend is the sweetest man alive. He’s dorky and goofy and adorable and treats me better than I thought possible. I’m fighting demons of the past, still hurting over a broken marriage even though we’ve both moved on and we’re both better off. We are. We truly are. But sometimes it’s hard to accept the truth. I need to pray for acceptance rather than understanding.

My children are fun and adorable. Whiny and annoying, of course, such is the way of the small child, but I’m getting more creative and active in my parenting, finding more fun things for us to do together that don’t cost much money, that make us all happy and content and enjoying of our time together.

Being a parent, being in a relationship and staying sober aren’t easy things to do. They are hard. They present challenges. But I’m pulling it off, one day at a time. That chaos I’m waiting for may arrive at any moment, but there’s no point in anticipating things going south. I’m striving to enjoy the present.

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New phone, new boyfriend, new home group, new sponsor. Is it really fair to put the phone on this list?

My life is changing, my recovery was stagnating. I don’t want to use this space to take the inventory of my previous sponsor. The people pleaser in me is petrified to tell her about the switch. Hopefully by the time this post goes live, I will have already had that conversation.

She is sensitive. Her feelings will be hurt. She is human. But when it comes to my recovery, I’ve got to look out for number one. Sorry ya’ll. I can’t coddle a sponsor who is not going to keep my recovery alive. My sobriety is too important for that.

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I want to be here…

… to reach out to other single moms. To reach out to women who are early in sobriety. To reach out to anyone who feels like they’re struggling even if from the outside things look pretty okay. Sometimes we need our feelings validated by knowing we aren’t the only ones who feel a certain way. We need to know we’re OKAY. It took me a long time to figure that out. I just want to be here. Just in case.

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Reading this post reminded me how essential it is to be consistent, even if it’s for no one but myself. I am in a huge transition period right now with working on my recovery and embracing new things that are actually healthy and right for the first time in my life. I’m shedding the negativity of the past, and it’s so important that I journal that. I am terrible at writing in my private journal, whereas my narcissism is more than happy to sit down at the computer and write something someone MIGHT read. And I prefer typing to writing by hand.

It’s like I mentioned in an earlier post – I need someone to hold me accountable. And if I can commit solely to consistency, I believe that accountability for the other goals I have will follow.

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