Reworking the steps…

I admit I am powerless over the need for male attention, that I am obsessed with finding an earthly partner when I should be fulfilled by my higher power.

If you’ve read this blog at all, that admission should be pretty obvious. Obsessed isn’t too strong a word. But thank God I’m an alcoholic. I read “Women Who Love Too Much” thinking it would be cheesy and dumb, but holy shit that would be me. And the author’s advice is to find a support group… she encourages joining a 12 step program if you have an issue that fits into one of those fellowships.

So I’m reworking the steps on this issue in particular. I completed a 4th and 5th step, shared with a friend a list of FIFTY TWO names of men with whom I have had emotional attachment, and not one of those relationships was healthy. Not even one.

I could psychoanalyze myself, blame my father, etc etc, but really why? I was selfish and awful with men trying desperately to get them to fill some void in my life. The best thing to do now is JUST STOP.

My last purely selfish act towards a man was 42 days ago. I don’t know how long it will take for me to get right with myself, to actually be in a place where I’m good for another person. But in the meantime I’m enjoying my alone time, or at least trying to. I’m trying not to regret the past, not to beat myself up, I’m learning to forgive myself. I’m learning to love and embrace the women in my life. There are a lot of them and they are terrific.

It’s a work in progress.

It always is.

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