I’m only happy when it rains

Decidedly untrue. The weather sucks and it makes me sooooooo tired. And over contemplative. The girls have been with me since Wednesday and we’re getting a little burnt out thanks to the three day weekend. Everything I want to do with them involves a lot of money/gas (zoo, Build a Bear, extensive retail therapy, movies) or sitting in front of the tv. We should bake some cookies or something. Sigh.

I hate that my marriage failed. I just hate it. I hate that my husband wouldn’t work at counseling, or go to Al-Anon, or not think I’m a fucking idiot for going back to church. I hate that he said I was the one with the problem and he didn’t need to change. I hate that I told him there was no way we were getting back together and he believed me and moved on with his life. I always thought if I left him he would pull out all the stops, do whatever he had to because he couldn’t live without me… turns out he can live without me just fine. I feel horrible guilt, like I’ve sinned against God for not doing everything in my power, for not just putting up with the bullshit, for agreeing that my marriage should end. Should I have waited longer for him to change?

I am happier alone. Scripture backs me up so I know God isn’t actually mad at me. But it’s hard to remember those things when it’s raining so much that I’m drowning in self-pity.

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