I have the start of a short story in my head, the image of my mom clutching a wine list to her chest, a look of desperation in her eyes, being the inspiration. I find myself wanting to bounce it off Francis, but I know that trying to be friends with him is dangerous territory. We are back on speaking terms and that is enough.
I want to be so much more than I am, but I am so scattered, wasting so much time, trying to keep up with my kids and sneaking off to smoke cigarettes. Does having children mean the end of creativity and productivity? I can only write this blog post before they are in bed because they are watching TV which is obviously an insufficient babysitter.
Things will be back to routine soon enough. My older daughter will be in full time daycare and I’ll have just my younger daughter post work (1:30 till 5). I suppose I could utilize that time creatively if I could figure out how to engage my younger in a way that halts her constant two year old path of destruction.
I am tempted to put the younger in full time as well, but that would mean more money out the door, and I guess I need to be financially responsible right now rather than trying to create more time. Because I probably would just nap rather than write or sew or study.
Day 4 of male sobriety is almost complete. I still find myself trolling the dating sites with fake accounts just to see what’s out there (nothing good. Francis and Julian have accounts, that should tell me something). I still find myself getting sucked back into the idea that maybe the last one COULD work out, maybe the manic depressive and I COULD get back together… but when I think that way I’m not trusting in God’s plan for me. God’s plan for me at the moment is obviously to be single and to focus on healing from my divorce and nurturing my children. I need more ideas for nurturing. I bet everyone does, they just don’t want to admit it.