The Plan

Sometimes it is hard to believe in God’s plan for me.

I met a man online. We clicked tremendously. Talked for hours. I was upfront with him about everything. And suddenly he decides he can’t be with me because I’m an alcoholic. It doesn’t matter to him that I’m in recovery, he just doesn’t want “a project.”

Fine. finefinefine. It hurts. A lot. More of my past coming to bite me in the ass. This program cost me a marriage and now it’s costing me the first bit of male sweetness I’ve had in a long long time.

But I can’t look at it like that. I’ve got to remember that before this program I was miserable and in pain. Real horrible suicidal pain. And things are better now. There will be ups and downs but things are overall so much better. So a man I never even met rejected me, shit happens. Life keeps happening and it’s rarely fair.

I want to beg, cajole, plead, cling to this man I thought I had such a good connection with, figure out what went wrong, try and make him let me explain… but what’s the point? I thought he was a part of God’s plan for me, but obviously he is not.

I’m not ready. My final divorce papers came through today, and I am just not ready. I want to be loved and to give love, but I’m still looking to men to verify my self-worth and I will never be loved until I can love myself, by myself.

Keep loving, keep praying, that’s all I can do.

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