But it ends with gratitude

I spent 5 nights with my parents, driving 12 hours there on Sunday, 12 hours back yesterday.

The girls were angels.

My father thinks I’m a loser.

That’s fine. That’s fine. He has a point. He had 3 daughters. 2 of them died. The 3rd is an unemployed drunk. That’d be me.

When it gets right down to it, my life situation is pretty damn good. I am getting out of an awful marriage with minimal damage. I am not in debt. I am not homeless. My children and I are all healthy. I get my job back in August. My mom says it’s not me he’s angry with, it’s the situation, it’s the manifestation of his hatred towards my husband. I understand, but I wish I didn’t catch the flack.

I’m glad to be home.

There’s another thing. Martin’s baby with his ex-girlfriend was born yesterday. I found myself lifting the 3 of them up to God, praying for Martin and his ex to find peace together. I hope they do.

Of course I came home to a rumor that the ex wants to kill me.

I’m not sure about that. I’ll deal with it later. Martin and I are close. He is not my boyfriend. I am not preventing him from getting back together with her. Their situation is none of my business. If she truly wishes death upon me? Well that’s none of my business either.

Seeing that beautiful newborn little girl in pictures (thank you Facebook), gave me a horrible case of baby envy. I love babies. I loved birthing my babies (hated being pregnant, though), and I adore my little girls. But I don’t want to start over. I like to reminisce about their tiny days and be grateful that those challenges have passed with new challenges to come.

So yes, gratitude. I am filled with it. Gratitude for a beautiful new life in this world, gratitude for my two beautiful healthy children, gratitude for the comforts of home and the love of my friends. I am truly a blessed woman, and when I give my anger, frustrations, anxieties and worry to God, I can really see that.

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