sobriety, emotional and otherwise

Friday I was sober a year. I haven’t gone a year without a drink since I was 14 years old. That is a fucking miracle because you know what? I love to drink. But when I drink, bad things happen. A year ago I was sure I would just keep living the way I was and eventually I would shoot myself in the head. Literally. That was an ACTUAL PLAN that I had. But today everything is different.

Of course, I’m still a mental mess. I don’t know up from down. I yell at my daughter and then later realize she’s only acting like a shithead because she misses her father. And her father is a shithead but that’s not HER fault, so why can’t I be more compassionate?

I have had a man in my home two nights in a row, just for casual chitchat about literature, nothing more, and this man is totally 100% crazy about me, and I don’t know why I don’t feel the same way about him. I’m just not capable of it.

I’m in love with Martin, ridiculous unfounded emotions emanate from me towards him and he does nothing to deserve it. He is selfish, self-involved, treated his last two girlfriends like ABSOLUTE SHIT abandoning them in their respective times of need, and what do I do? Forgive it, overlook it, try to be his friend. And it’s exhausting. Totally exhausting.

I find myself asking if I should give up on Martin (yes) and date the other man (no). I am content being single. I need to just STAY CONTENT being single. Any other attempt at anything would just be a terrible move.

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