Saturday Night Dead Zone

I have a great time with my daughters. I do. I am so lucky to have been married, so blessed to have 2 beautiful children as a result. But I hate hate hate that I don’t feel fulfilled as a single woman.

I don’t know why I feel the need for a man in my life, why I’m sitting in my dead zone hoping every time the text message alert goes off that it’s Martin and feeling disappointed when it’s just been a sponsor or sponsee. Or Julian. Keep your distance from Julian and you’re suddenly the most attractive woman in the world.

I don’t want to get back together with Julian. He is arrogant, won’t hang out with my friends, doesn’t like kids. I want to be with a better man than that, I DESERVE a better man than that, but I find myself wondering if I shouldn’t just settle.

It’s ridiculous. After all I’ve been through, why on earth would I settle? I need to pray to God to make me whole, to remove my character defects, to remove my fear of loneliness. God will put the right man in my life when the time is right. My divorce isn’t even final, the time isn’t right right now.

I just wish I could believe that.

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