Saturday Night Dead Zone

I hate Saturday nights. I get to spend time with my daughters, which is great, but after they go to bed, a long lonely evening stretches ahead of me and I start to feel restless, irritable and discontent. School nights are easier because there is so much to do to prep, anticipating for preparing for the next day, but Saturdays… they are kind of brutal.

So here I am, in my Saturday night dead zone, and at least I have a blog to ramble on about it.

Some things that are going on:

I made amends to the head-fucker. He needs a better name, so we’ll call him Julian. Julian is not emotionally available, but he the physical attraction between us is palpable. We’ve been chit-chatting just a bit, here and there, and I’m not feeling at all like I want to get back together with him. He’s too intelligent for his own good, and he’s scared of kids which makes any chance of us having a future together pretty non-existent. But the sex, oh my good gracious, the sex is amazing. He texted me the other night saying he’d had a bad day that required a lot of ice cream, and he needed a partner in crime. I had plans to have coffee with some friends, so I told him I wasn’t available. Then I started feeling guilty because honestly? He was a pretty good boyfriend in the sense that when I had a bad day he would bring me ice cream and cuddle with me on the couch. I felt like I owed him that in return. So after my coffee party dissipated, I went over to his house, snuggled with him, sympathized, and because of that palpable physical attraction, unsurprisingly had some pretty amazing sex.

I don’t know if it will happen again. I felt like we needed the post-breakup hook up to clear the air between us. And I don’t feel worried about getting emotionally attached because I’m in a good place. I don’t know if he is, though, and honestly having sex with someone I’m not in a relationship with feels pretty slutty. I don’t care to be slutty. But we will take things day by day and see where they go.

Then there is the crush, who also needs another name, so we’ll call him Martin. Martin and I have settled into a comfortable friendship. I like our platonic relationship and it feels good to be friends with a man whom I don’t feel is constantly trying to get with me physically. But mutual friends have observed us together and keep talking about “glistening eyes” when we look at each other. I don’t know what they’re talking about, but they say we just can’t see what they see. They’re taking bets on how long before platonic evolves into romance. They say two months. I say never. I adore Martin, but I don’t know if he and I will ever be ready to be romantic partners, to be boyfriend/girlfriend supportive of one another. I don’t see it in the cards for us, but I can’t predict the future. So we will take things day by day and see where they go.

The divorce is wrapping up. And I had a total emotional breakdown over the finality of it all, the end of a relationship that began nearly 15 years ago. The ex has decidedly moved on, and we are trying to settle our case out of court. Hopefully he will be willing to concede some things and we’ll do so successfully. We’re straight on custody – it’s dead even. It’s just a matter of a few thousand dollars, a few materials goods. My counter settlement will be filed next week. I hope he accepts it, but he’ll probably counter my counter.

I want to be friends with him again. We were wonderful friends for years. I want to get along with him so we can raise our children together in separate harmony. But I have so many resentments creeping up, so much anger. He has a girlfriend who has now met my children. I hear the girls talk about her and see how she is creeping in, and it scares me even though I logically know she will never take my place. Of course being angry about it only hurts me, and if my children see my anger, that will hurt them. So I am trying to be at peace about the situation. I am trying to forgive. We’ll just take things day by day and see where they go.

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