I am a needy person. I hate asking for help, but I am just terribly emotionally needy. Especially with men. Actually, probably ONLY with men. And that’s a problem. I actually re-worked the 12 steps replacing powerlessness over alcohol with powerlessness over my need for male attention, and I’m kind of stuck on the seventh step, continually praying for God to remove all my defects of character, to remove my fear of loneliness.

I am sure I could trace back to some absentee father bullshit and get all Freudian about why I have this problem, but I think it would be a waste of time. I need to live in the solution… but I’m not sure what the solution is.

I am waiting for the crush to return my phone call, which as it gets later and later is obviously not going to happen and I’m all antsy and upset about it because OMG I NEED TO TALK TO HIM which NO I really don’t.

I need to focus on myself. I need to get right with myself. I need to be okay with who I am without drugs and alcohol and without a man to verify my self-worth. I am the hotness, dammit, and it’s okay to believe that. I don’t need a man to call me for that to be true.

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