Hurry up and wait.

I have a choice not to panic. But somehow I manage to convince myself that everything needs to happen RIGHT NOW or else it will… what? Disappear?

The crush isn’t going anywhere. He lives HERE. He has roots and ties HERE. I don’t have to make things happen with him right this second. Things can take a glacially slow pace if that’s what’s supposed to happen because he’s not going anywhere, and he’s not going after anyone else. And if he is? Well then I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WITH HIM (see how I’m yelling at myself here?).

I don’t need to make amends to the guy I dated right this second either. Because I know him well enough to know that his ego has completely erased me since I completely erased him and it’s highly unlikely that he’s upset with me or thinking about me or even the least bit heartbroken. The amends can wait, if they happen at all. God will put him in my path if it’s something I need to make right.

There is definitely no rush for my divorce to be final because as soon as I am unmarried, I am also uninsured. I should be trying to drag this out as long as possible. I struggle with the fact that I’m expected to act like a perfect Baptist angel in the meantime so I can impress the judge should it get to the point that I have to go to court and fight for the kids. It helps my case that my husband has a girlfriend and that I am single. He’s sinful I’m not. But should the opportunity present itself to date, it really pisses me off that my husband has the control that causes me to have to turn it down.

My sponsor is strongly encouraging singleness and I get where she’s coming from. A lot of past experience is going into that recommendation. And that’s cool. And I can wrap my head around that.

I just have to be okay with slow.

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