See, I was dating someone. And he was an asshole. He reminded me a whole lot of my soon to be ex-husband in a lot of ways. His arrogance, mainly. But he treated me better than my ex. And even though none of my friends liked him, I liked him and I thought that was all that mattered.

But my friends were tired of me complaining about how he was a crap boyfriend, emotionally unavailable. So I broke up with him. But then I missed him. So we decided to get back together. And then he broke up with me because he couldn’t commit.

And it stung.

And I still miss him. Even though he is crap, even though his breaking up with me is bright flashing lights of God doing for me what I cannot do for myself. I don’t like being alone.

I had to cut him off completely. Block him from gmail chat, stop replying to his texts and e-mails, and even [gasp] defriend him on Facebook. Because he kept trying to suck me back in. He told me he didn’t want to be with me but still needed me in his life. And I couldn’t do it anymore. It was too painful.

I want to believe that God is preparing me for a better man, that I will not be alone forever. But it’s hard to believe that some days. I’m having a hard time believing that now.

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